Books

The Celle Seminars_Page 62

George Vithoulkas

that makes me feel unconfident. Originally these episodes occurred only every three years or so. I didn’t have a very well developed sense of self-esteem until about 1979 or 1980. When I started to move out of the house and do things for myself, my self-esteem improved. Even now I have a much stronger sense of self than I had in the past. You asked me about my condition now; at the moment, I have constant feelings of failure, and I’m very frightened, physically very frightened. (G.V.): What are you frightened of, your mental problems or your husband?
(F.P.): In normal situations, I am no longer afraid of my husband because I have established distance, mentally, from him, so that now I’m no longer really involved with him. Still, when illness approaches, I feel my fear returning. (G.V.): Feelings of fear about your husband? (F.P.): Fear because then all the images that I’ve seen before are re-enacted. The whole fear, the terror, comes back, and this causes me to close myself off or to act aggressively again towards my husband.
(G. V.): During a crisis, have you ever considered or felt the inclination to hit or kill someone?
(F.P.): Never. During the last phase of my illness, I had a constant feeling that I was going to take my own life— probably because of my father’s suicide. Take for example, me bending my body backwards and my tortured face, which was interpreted as rigid-ness. I’ve talked about this with my daughter, and I think it’s a constant concern that I not strangle myself. (G.V.): Do you have a conscious fear of being strangled? (F.P.): No, I have always imagined that I’d strangle myself. (H.): I observed the opposite impulse in my wife’s behavior during her last attack. We were just sitting around, frightened. I was probably there until half past one, and I think the doctor was there as well. Somehow, probably quite unconsciously, my hand must have gone to my neck. My wife saw this and tried to take action verbally: »Don’t touch the neck, don’t touch the neck!« She wanted me to take my hand away from my neck. I interpret-

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