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The Celle Seminars_Page 253

Celle Seminar I, Case 9: Lymphoma

ing before I ruined his holiday. I was very upset about his apparent lack of interest in what I wanted to do. (G.V.): Did he understand that you were really hurt by this discussion?
(F.P.): No, he fust dismissed it. That sort of thing was not a problem as far as he was concerned. He tried to comfort me, but he didn’t do it positively. For example, he could have said that we should do so and so together in the future, or even that he wanted to have nothing more to do with me, but instead he just wanted to keep me calm and for us to carry on as we were before, without him having to make any specific commitments. I had never pushed him in any way before that; this was the first time that I really asked him directly, » What sort of joint future do we have?« The feeling I got was like that of a dog who you offer a piece of sausage to, and when he goes to grab for it, you pull it back a little bit. He said, »Look, you’ve done your first course of training; now do your internship, and when you’ve done that, then do your next training course.« He went on like that, pushing it along a little bit further. He was thirteen years older than me.
The second incident was when I was having trouble where I was doing my internship. In fact, I changed to another institution to complete my internship requirement. We had been planning a holiday together, but at the last moment, I said that I couldn’t go away while everything was so terrible, and that I’d first have to find myself another position. He had no real idea of what I was trying to do. He considered me going away with him far more important than me trying to find a place where I could finish my education. He did not give me any indication as to why it was so important to him that we go on vacation together or what our joint future would be, which might have given the trip a kind of significance. At that time, I re-established closer contact with my family. I thought that I ought to finish my training because then I would have something that would make me independent and that no one could ever take away from me.

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