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The Celle Seminars_Page 257

Celle Seminar I, Case 9: Lymphoma

(F.P.): I almost established the diagnosis myself. First I had a very nasty cold and I could feel my lymph nodes; then the cold went away completely and I was feeling quite well. At the time I was almost convinced that I had Hodgkin’s disease. (G.V.): Why, because of the lymph nodes? (F.P.): Yes.
(G.V.): Were they very swollen? (F.P.): They were the size of two plums.
(G.V.): Oh! They grew that big within such a short period of time?
(F.P.): Yes. I noticed it three weeks before, on July 10. I woke up in the morning with a terrible sore throat—I couldn’t remember ever having had such a terrible sore throat before—and I could feel the lymph nodes. For a while I thought that it was due to having had my tonsils out when I was young. But when I got well again, I realized that something else was wrong. (G. V.): What were your emotions when you found out? Did you have a fear of dying? Were you overwhelmed? (F.P.): At first I didn’t panic that I was going to die. I read up on the symptoms again because I wasn’t totally sure, and confirmed, more or less, what I thought. I said to myself, »Oh, it might be Hodgkin’s disease!« I made an appointment with a doctor friend of mine. At first I was very calm, collected, controlled. It was really two weeks later, when I was told that it was a non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, that the panic and anxiety set in and I thought that everything was over. The fear of dying came much later. First I felt a fear of suffering until death, and then came the fear that I was going to die and that there was not much time left. (G. V.): When you said before that even the thought of violence is horrible to you, what did you mean? Are you afraid of violence, of somebody physically hurting you, or is it a fear of possible repercussions?
(F.P.): It’s not that I think that somebody might do something to me, it’s just that when I’m confronted with a violent scene— when I’m reading a thriller or watching a television show—it abhors me. When I was a child, and even a long time afterwards,

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