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The Celle Seminars_Page 69

Celle Seminar I, Case 2: Insanity

(G.V.): Did you keep on loving him after you left him? Did you reminisce about your time with him?
(F.P.): Actually, what happened was, after we had sexual contact—I’m not sure whether I had problems with him or myself— distanced myself and turned to an older man. I suspect that what I was really looking for was not necessarily sex but comfort. Perhaps I was looking for a father figure. I felt lonely, so I went from one relationship to another. Basically I’m talking about three men. Fear of a sexual relationship might have been what drove me away from each of these men. At that time, I would escape into my illness when things got crucial. I was also doing my apprenticeship at the time and it wasn’t going particularly well. I was looking for someone to help me sort out my mixed-up life and that’s how I got to know my husband. He was a person with whom I could discuss what I considered, at the time, to be my mixed-up life. (G.V.): I don’t understand. Explain further. (F.P.): I thought that my life had already been damaged. I was looking for a person whom I could confide in. My husband was the person whom I confided in, whom I trusted. (G. V.): I see. Did you ever consider divorce as an option? (F.P.): Yes, certainly. (G.V.): Why didn’t you divorce him?
(F.P.): I’m still thinking of it. We have four children, two of them are still living at home. It would require considerable effort on my part to dissolve my existing household; I would need tremendous physical strength. We bought our house at considerable expense and personal sacrifice. If there weren’t the burden of the house and all it stands for, I think I would have found it easier to go away and say, »I can stand on my own two feet.« (G. V.): Have you ever worked? (F.P.): Yes.
(G. V.): As a secretary?
(F.P.): I started an apprenticeship, but I broke it off because the whole situation there was chaotic. I was sixteen. I had a young boss who was considered to be homosexual, and that was some-

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